tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84192785423584789742024-03-13T23:48:24.235-07:00Fertility Now!...Insanity later?Just some ramblings about my road to parenthood. I'm a wife, a daughter & a proud auntie!~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.comBlogger48125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-26543494882443046362009-05-28T20:20:00.000-07:002009-05-28T20:40:28.433-07:00Moving on?Most of the time I feel like I've moved on from my TTC journey - I'm ready to embrace the whole new adventure of adoption... but every once in a while I still cling on to that hope that some how, some time, I will be pregnant. Then I feel guilty, but what can I do - I'm human & I'm conflicted and I'm not perfect.<br /><br />But... I did pass along my CBEFM to a friend, and also a while ago I bought a Snoogle from a friend because I was CONVINCED I would be pregnant soon, but earlier this month I also passed that on to another friend. They've both gone to good homes, but it still stings a tad - that I can't lie about.<br /><br />I also run a check-in post for my local message board for the gals over there who are having t-ttc (but we call it Still-TTC, since some people don't necessarily have trouble ttc, it's just not going the way they expected), and I'm getting close to letting it go... for some reasons it's because I just haven't been getting a lot of participation lately, and also partly because I'm just not <span style="font-style: italic;">Still Trying To Conceive</span>... it's just not where my head is at anymore...<br /><br />Oh, and don't forget to visit me on my other blog, which chronicles my adoption journey:<br /><a href="http://awholelotofhope.blogspot.com">A Whole Lot of Hope</a>~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-78400820822197328902009-04-25T10:26:00.001-07:002009-04-25T10:31:48.463-07:00There's a new blog in townHi everyone!<br />Thank you so much for following along my infertility journey. I've decided to start a new blog that will chronicle our adoption journey, as well as just my life in general.<br /><br />I'm still planning on updating this one every now & again, but I'd love it if you came over to my new blog: <a href="http://awholelotofhope.blogspot.com">A Whole Lot of Hope</a><br /><br />Thanks again for all of your support, it has meant so much to me.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-70420690015685362412009-04-06T10:12:00.000-07:002009-04-06T10:13:37.282-07:00Sorry, it's a BFNI know a lot of people were holding out hope for me, so it pains me even more to let you know that AF started today. <div><br /></div><div>I don't have much else to say. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-91703888835629771912009-04-03T20:35:00.000-07:002009-04-03T20:35:50.648-07:00About my beta tomorrow...Note: This entry was started about a week ago....<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Next Saturday I have my beta test. I'll be 15 days past IUI. Knowing me, I'll test early. I'll go back to the dollar tree and fill my basket with tests & try to avoid looking in the cashiers eye. Or, maybe I could have some fun... like buy an Easter basket and put all of them in that & hand it to the cashier with a smile. At least I'd maybe give 'em something to remember!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">So, in any case, next week I think is the end of the fertility treatment road for me for a while. In a perfect world, that reason will be of course because of a successfulIUI. </span><br /><br />Here's the latest: I'm 14 days past IUI. I took a HPT on Day 12, and it was negative. I took another one this evening & it was negative. I will take another one tomorrow. I'm assuming it will also be negative.<br /><br />I have decided not to get a blood/beta test done unless I get a positive. I have ten tests left, that should satisfy me until AF comes. As I wrote in a different forum earlier (I'll just c&p, so I don't have to write it all out again):<br /><p style="font-style: italic;">About my Beta on Saturday...I've decided not to go. I'm going to go to the dollar store & buy 10 pg tests. If any one of them say positive in the next few days, then I'll go take a blood test, but otherwise I'm not going. </p><p style="font-style: italic;">The last beta I had, two months ago, was excruciatingly hard on me. I had already taken a pg test and it was negative. I remembered my doctor saying that sometimes someone would take a hpt in the morning, it would be negative, and then they'd come in & the beta would be positive. That got me in there the last time, I but I bawled all the way to the clinic, and all the way while she was taking my blood, and then all the way home, and then of course I got the call that it was negative I completely broke down. So, I'm not going to do that to myself again. If it's negative I will cry, I'll feel defeated, but at least I can do it in the privacy of my own home. I won't have to dread getting that call, with a live person telling me it's over... </p><p style="font-style: italic;">I feel a nice burden off my shoulders... going to the clinic is just too stressful for me right now!</p><p>So there you have it... I'll update if I get a BFP, but for now, let's just assume it's BFN.<br /></p>~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-83041531631832034882009-03-22T19:01:00.000-07:002009-03-22T20:59:36.960-07:00I forgot to actually give an update...Last month I started on Day 2 at 150 IU a day, and I totally over stimulated... Hello Octomom #2. That IUI was canceled, which was a huge blow, since I was out about $2,100 & never even got a chance to try.<br /><br />My doctor decided to start me on 100 IU of Follistim on day 5 of my cycle this time. This worked out fairly well, since I had less appointments, and each appointment means another lie to my work. I didn't grow too many follicles, in fact I have just one, but it's a big one. My doctor seemed disappointed, even though by her professional standards, one is the goal.<br /><br />On Wednesday we were told to go ahead and give me the trigger, and on Friday I had my IUI. So, once again I'm in the 2 week wait. I'm not even fretting about this one... if it doesn't work, that's just the way it is. I'm already working on my adoption profile (just gathering photos & thinking of what to say - -nothing formal...)~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-5266209857794254982009-03-21T16:10:00.000-07:002009-03-21T16:13:19.941-07:00One year blogiversary!Just a quick shout out to me, that by some weird chance, I looked at my first blog post & it was exactly one year ago today. Funny, I've made forward motions, but still am in the same place. <br />A big thank you to all that read my blog and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">continue</span> to give me support. It really makes the journey <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">just</span> a little bit easier knowing there are people rooting for me. Thank you!~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-80452640354855223472009-03-21T15:50:00.000-07:002009-03-21T15:55:36.491-07:00Living an open lifeTwo weekends ago I had a chance to have a pretty good conversation with one of my closest friends, who also happens to be my cousin. She's the closest thing I'll ever have to a sibling. Anyway, she's been one of the only people in real life who I've confided any of my struggles with ttc. She can be sort of difficult to talk with if you're just looking for some one to be nice to you, because she doesn't see her role in life to be a hand-holder. She will say exactly what she's thinking, no matter what. So, we were talking abut what I've been up to, and how I've kept everything completely hidden from my friends, my family, and my work. She seems to think that if I'm open with those around me, I won't be such a tight ball of stress.<br /><br />I think what it comes down to, is who am I trying to impress? What do I have to hide? Why can't I be open about who I am & what I'm going through? So, right now I'm going to go down one by one, and list my reasons for being silent, and see if any of them are really valid, or just me being a chicken-shit.<br /><br />#1 - Mom: I have never been open about her with anything. I learned a long time ago that if you let her in, she will attempt to take over, and usually succeeds. I can imagine her trying to talk to my RE on my behalf, or something. She doesn't even know we want children, yet I think she's holding back on retiring until she has a grandchild. She's been pretty non-invasive in this part of my life so far, honestly, so maybe I could let her in... I just don't want her asking me about it all the time. Every once in a while I think about telling her, but then I just think about something hurtful that she could possibly say, and I hold back. <span style="font-weight: bold;">VERDICT: Open Up.</span><br /><br />#2 - Dad: Ew, dads don't need to know about their daughters' sex life. Case closed. My dad & I have a great relationship, but I just think this is one aspect he wouldn't want to know about. I dread even telling him I'm pg when I am because he'll then know I've been having sex (ha, guess if I get pg with this IUI I could tell him I didn't have sex :) ) I remember when we announced our proposal, my dad looked absolutely panicked, like he was going looking to throw him self off the nearest balcony. He eventually composed himself. I remember he also told me that one of my cousin's wives mentioned she was having t-ttc. He seemed really confused about why she was telling him this. <span style="font-weight: bold;">VERDICT: Stay silent.</span><br /><br />#3 - Work: This one is a bit tougher, because I've already painted myself in a corner already with all my lies. As I mentioned in <a href="http://fertilitynow.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-boss-is-crazy-im-cracking-up.html">this </a>blog post, my boss has had her suspicions about me for a long time. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of being right. However, I've been married for almost 4 years, I obviously love children, I've missed days of work, or come in hours late with barely believable excuses... I think they're on to me. However, from now on, I won't be taking any more days off due to fertility treatment, since this is the last one for a long time, so I really don't see the point in saying anything. <span style="font-weight: bold;">VERDICT: Stay silent.</span><br /><br />#4 - Friends: Well, I've been open-ish with two of my friends, and that's gone well. Maybe I'll be a bit more open with others. My only hesitation is I don't what people feeling sorry for me. I also don't want to admit I've failed as a woman, because that's what it feel like to me. <span style="font-weight: bold;">VERDICT: Open up.</span><br /><br />So, I guess what it comes down to is challenging the vulnerability I feel when I open up about anything, because I really do think it might be holding my emotional growth back. I need to be strong, embrace my decisions, and not live in the shadow of my fear of feeling judged. Basically, I need to grow up.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-16935495046508347962009-03-09T21:45:00.000-07:002009-03-09T21:58:16.683-07:00Back on the IUI trainJust a quick note to say that I'm back on the IUI train. This month the RE is waiting until cycle day 5 (today) for me to start my follistim, and then I'll be starting at 100 units a day. Next appointment is on Thursday, and then I'll have a better idea of how long this cycle will be. Wish me luck!<br /><br />Also, a quick shout-out to my friend K. who gave me her left over cartridge of Follstim instead of selling it on the black market (or<span style="font-style: italic;">, </span>as she calls it, <span style="font-style: italic;">donating </span>it (back to her clinic)). Thanks for the cheap glass of champagne, and also for telling my husband that IF treatment is a good thing, but not as good as sex (at least that's what we <span style="font-style: italic;">thought </span>you said). That had us giggling all the way home.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-47630580074772846542009-02-11T21:59:00.000-08:002009-02-11T22:20:31.667-08:00Mixed feelings...Yesterday I was all set to skip my next cycle and give myself a two month break from any more treatments. I was happy with that decision, relieved.<br /><br />Then today, about 5 minutes ago, I decided I would go forward with an IUI this month. Hmm, I don't really understand any of my feelings. I'm always feeling so conflicted about EVERYTHING.<br /><br />For the past week and a half I was beginning to feel a pull to look into international adoption. This has never been a path I thought I'd be interested in, but then my husband's birth country started making it a bit easier for Americans to adopt from there, and I started getting signs all over the place that maybe it was something to consider... I got really excited thinking of bringing a child into our lives that shared my husband's heritage (and, fingers-crossed, our nephew's extremely cute looks!), which is something that would be fairly unlikely with domestic adoption.<br /><br />Before I called the agency handling the program I looked at their website. I could tell right away that there was something that would disqualify us... the requirement that adoptive parents be Christian... I identify "Christian" as my cultural background, but I don't go to church, and I don't have faith... so I don't think I qualify. I called the agency anyway, and the case worker was like, oh no, you just have to say you're Christian, they just don't want the babies brought up as Muslim... Um, ok... Later I got more information on the program, and a letter from my church minister/pastor would be requred, so I just dropped the whole idea. But it was fun thinking about it...<br /><br />So, now I'm back to thinking about IUIs & all that other stuff... we'll see where my mind is tomorrow...~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-47010381449570118602009-01-28T18:51:00.000-08:002009-01-28T18:58:51.763-08:00IUI canceledI'm so devastated I can't even think straight. I honestly did not know how many follicles I had until my re called me. However, by coincidence, I was reading an article on cnn about the octuplets that were just born. Right in the middle of the article was a quote from my doctor. She was lambasting any doctor that allowed a patient to go that route... I knew at that point my IUI was going to be canceled.<br /><br />I spoke with my doctor finally & she told me my #s:<br />17, 17, 17, 17, 16, 14,14,14,14 - Yeah, I overstimmed.<br /><br />I'm not sure what route we're taking next, but as of now, we have to abstain or use condoms until after I ovulate... I can't even try to get pg naturally this cycle.<br /><br />I'm hoping, hoping, hoping, there's a way i can get to Disneyland before my next cycle. I really need that place right now.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-74093082615408283972009-01-28T11:51:00.001-08:002009-01-28T11:52:32.535-08:00Long story shortOk, I was writing a big entry about my progress this cycle, but it was<br />soo boring.<p>So, long story short - new cycle started - higher dose of medicine for<br />shorter amount of time - I've responded well - maybe too well - have<br />four large follicles, maybe five - yikes, multiples is a possibility -<br />ok with me, to a point - taking ovidrel/ovulation stimulation med<br />tonight - will have IUI on Friday, unless my estradiol levels are<br />really off - not sure what happens then.... - will find out soon - the<br />end. Oh, and 4 transvaginal ultrasounds in a row is sooo not fun!</p>~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-15622501701711949642009-01-17T11:16:00.000-08:002009-01-17T11:18:16.127-08:00Now officially not pregnantI had a call from the doctor a few minutes ago. It's officially a BFN.<br /><br />I'm too upset to write any more.<br /><br />Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-23095225941152315402009-01-17T10:21:00.000-08:002009-01-17T10:25:12.400-08:00Not official, but I'm sure it's BFNI've POAS many times this week, including this morning. I know it's a BFN. I know.<br /><br />I went in about an hour ago to have the blood draw for my beta & started crying. It's so embarrassing for me that I can't hold it in when I'm in public. I do so well most of the time...<br /><br />Anyway, I guess they'll call me in a few hours, but even the lab lady seemed to be prepping me for a negative result.<br /><br />I'm feeling so hopeless right now.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-87306606460448533222009-01-12T21:19:00.000-08:002009-01-13T10:40:21.614-08:005 days until betaOk, I have 5 pg tests burning a hole in my bathroom cabinet... tomorrow I'll be 10 days past IUI...I think I'm going to test tomorrow. I just can't restrain myself.<br /><br />As usual, I won't tell my dh unless... and even if it's + I don't think I'll believe it until I see it 5 days in a row, plus with great beta results... But, according to my dr, testing at this point wouldn't show the hcg still in my system from the trigger.<br /><br />Anyway, I've been trying to keep myself so busy this past week. I stocked my 40 gallon aquarium (actually, it's s a little smaller, but I can't remember if it's 36 or 38, so I just round up to 40) with some lovely fish and have been enjoying watch them float around. Everyone's getting along great, which warms my heart. Unfortunately, I do have a bit of a mystery on my hands... one of my fish just disappeared (this happened before I bought the new fish). It's gone, and I have done a thorough search. I don't know what happened, but I have a small algae eater in the tank & I think he took care of things for me. How did he know that my least favorite part of having an aquarium is dealing with the casualties? Good fish! I just hope there isn't a scene like the one in Jaws 3... (you know...in the tunnel... with the man popping up...egads!)<br /><br />Also, I keep doing Google searches on symptoms, expectations, etc, and invariably I get directed to the inanity of Yahoo Answers. Today I entertained myself with this gem (it's totally made up - all this guy's questions are like this - but it still made me snort when I stumbled on it):<br /><br /><span style=" ;font-family:arial;font-size:1em;"></span><b></b><b><b><a href="http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090112204856AAOqlQ7">When a man gets pregnant can he get another woman pregnant? Or is he basically nuetered during this time?</a></b></b><br /><br />So - I won't be updating probably until Saturday when I get the beta done - but please keep me in your thoughts!~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-17582070381398682072009-01-04T21:30:00.000-08:002009-01-04T21:50:49.677-08:00IUI went a-okJust a quick update... (with just enough TMI to make you queasy)<br /><br />I had my IUI on Saturday. It was easy-peasy. We stayed the night at a hotel right next to the clinic and that worked out really well, plus the rate was only $60.00 (maybe a little less).<br /><br />We dropped dh's "specimen" off at the lab, and then we came back to the hotel for another 2 hours.<br /><br />When I came back I had to pick up the washed and ready to go specimen and hold it until my doctor came in to the exam room (it was in a test tube). Then the doctor, the nurse, and a new doctor came into the room. I appreciated that the new doctor didn't get up all in my business; she stayed towards my head. <br /><br />My doctor reviewed my dh's semen analysis, and said it actually wasn't perfect (I think the motility rate is a little low, but most everything else looked great), and she thought because of this that having the IUI would gives us an extra push that we weren't getting naturally. My cervix was in a great position, and my cervical mucus was prime. So, other than just having that one follicle, I think I'm in a great position for success. That one follicle is keeping my hopes low, which is important because I do not want to get carried away with the what-ifs. Two weeks is a long time to obsess about all of this, and I've already bought 5 pregnancy tests in case I can't wait until two Saturdays from now. So I have an uphill battle with myself to keep my impulses under control.<br /><br />The insemination was painless, in fact I felt nothing at all.<br /><br />As I've mentioned in other forums, it was sort of a surreal experience having three people in the room with me while my baby may be getting conceived & not one of them was my husband (or even a guy).<br /><br />So, that's the story for now. I really hope I have some good news to tell you in two weeks!~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-7367741418339045362009-01-01T16:34:00.000-08:002009-01-01T18:55:45.855-08:00Is the timing finally right?Wow. I complained so much about nothing working out the way I wanted, I didn't even take in to consideration that maybe things happen for a reason. I know, deep, huh? Sorry, I'm sort of dragging from my exciting New Years Eve of watching our new (to us, and free) TV in bed with a small glass of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">TGIF's</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Mudlslide</span> concoction and wondering why the hell our BIL was calling us after midnight (oh yeah, to wish us a happy new year!)<br /><br />In any case, I wanted to make sure to get some of the stuff that's been happening written down before I totally forget.<br /><br />On Saturday, the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">IUI</span> is scheduled. Finally. Amazingly enough, the timing is about as perfect as can be. Almost all of my appointments for this cycle have taken place on a weekend day or on a holiday (there's nothing like spending Christmas morning with an ultrasound tech and her probe), which means I haven't raised any eyebrows at work. My last appointment was yesterday, and I just offhandedly mentioned to my boss that I'd be in a tad late. No questions asked at all. Plus, my husband doesn't need to take any time off from work, double <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">yay</span>!<br /><br />At my appointment yesterday I was told that I had just one "good" follicle. I was so sad to hear this, because I really thought I'd have at least two, plus the one I have isn't all that spectacular. Dr. H. told me that one is all they are really supposed to be aiming for (because of the risk of multiples), but the odds are greater when there are more than one. So, I took this as bad news and cried on my way into work. Eventually I bucked up, and right now am feeling excited.<br /><br />In about 4 hours I'll take my trigger shot of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Ovidrel</span>, and then Saturday morning we'll head on over to the office. We've actually rented a hotel room nearby so my husband is a little more comfortable with the collection. I'm trying to make this as easy as possible on both of us.<br /><br />Wish us luck!~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-75922635668317126622008-12-21T22:31:00.001-08:002008-12-21T22:36:06.105-08:00Injecting yourself is too hard!Today I started my follistim injectable meds for my IUI. I thought I would have no problem... I had no fear, no nervousness... until I was holding that needle, hovering in front of my tummy. I couldn't do it! Luckily my dh stepped up and did it. I felt absolutely nothing... but I still think DH will be my designated injector.<br /><br />On Christmas I'll go in for another ultra sound, and then I think around 12/30 or thereabouts will be my IUI. I'm feeling excited, but keeping my expectations low.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-30059158125760702252008-12-09T10:21:00.001-08:002008-12-09T10:29:16.039-08:00My latest updateWhy is it when you do everything right that everything ends up going wrong?<p>Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but this month I actually took all my medicines daily (unlike the last few months where I've taken them weekly, if at all), I got all my bloodwork done, I kept in good contact with my RE's office, I had a good block of time that I could have all my appointments and be discreet at work about them, and yet, nothing ever works according to plan!</p><p></p><p>I've been pretty bummed out since I returned from Croatia and wasn't able to start my IUI cycle. But, I put aside my disappointment, let my IUI coordinator know I wasn't happy with our miscommunication, and started fresh. My husband got all his pre-conception bloodwork done and results back (except his Cystic Fibrosis test, we haven't seen those results, yet). We both went in for a demonstration of how injectable medicines work and are administered - I can totally do it to myself, by the way, I'm sure of it. We also got the IUI schedule, when I go in for my ultrasounds, when I start taking my Follistim, my Ovidrel and my Prometrium suppositories, when I get my hCG trigger and then depending on all that when I have my IUI. All that we needed was for AF to show, and then we'd be on the train. </p><p>Except this month I didn't ovulate. The first time in about 6 or 7 months. I never got a peak on my CBEFM, just 20 days of "Highs." Now, this was already sort of a throw away cycle, since I was completely unmedicated (except for my normal daily meds), but it was also my last chance at conceiving naturally (and cheaply, since I don't even require a fancy dinner). So I went in and got a progesterone test just to make sure, and wow, it couldn't be any lower... Knowing that I didn't ovulate sent alarm bells going crazy in my head, because even with some ovulation, even a low progesterone reading of 5 or 6, as I normally have, at least AF remains pretty consistent - 31-33 day cycle. Without ovulation, I didn't know if AF would come naturally. So I was able to get some Provera pills in the hopes that they would help my period start on time or just a tad late. Well, I'm on day 36 now & no AF. So, no big deal, right... except, of course I studied that<br />projected IUI schedule like an obsessed crazy person, and knew that if AF came when it was supposed to that my boss would be out of the office for almost the entire time that I would have to have my appointments, thus reducing the likelihood of having to answer questions, or be the subject of rumors, etc... So now I'm back to wondering if this month is a bust. Will my body betray me more, or will it finally be merciful and just work? So, I wait.</p>~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-28487575414182134062008-12-09T10:18:00.001-08:002008-12-09T10:33:31.102-08:00Sadness...As much as I bemoan my own issues, in the scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. This was especially made clear when I heard about two tragedies in the blogging world. <p>First, my friend Stephanie, (who is due with her first child in a little over a month) over at <a href="http://italiasteph.blogspot.com">My Life...</a> lost her mom (and her best friend) last week to a very nasty strain of breast cancer. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, and it just hit home so hard that I shouldn't take her remission (or her, for that matter) for granted. Another blogger, <a href="http://www.casadedoyle.com/Casa_de_Doyle/Cocina_de_Doyle/Cocina_de_Doyle.html">Laura</a>, set up a <a href="http://www.komendonations.org/site/TR?pg=fund&fr_id=1120&px=3796291">donation page in Stephanie's mom's name</a>, and I hope you might be able to spare a small amount to support the fight against breast cancer. Any amount can be charged right to your credit card & all goes directly to the Susan G. Komen for a Cure charity. Of course, it's tax deductible, too. </p><p>I also heard some terrible news through <a href="http://littleblueelephant.blogspot.com/2008/12/please-pray-for-azhderian-family.html">Little Blue Elephant</a> that a little girl in Guatemala waiting for her adoptive family to come pick her up (they were just weeks away from their travel date, and the adoption had been finalized in Guatemala) was murdered, along with her foster family in a home invasion robbery. The family has a donation page set up at <a href="http://azhderianfamily.blogspot.com/">their blog</a> for anyone who is able to help them out (it's on the left hand column, titled "chip in"). My heart breaks for them, and for the little girl, Josi, and her foster family. What a terrible tragedy. Please keep them in your thoughts. </p><p>Thank you, everyone, for your time.</p>~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-51254022606094914452008-11-06T12:29:00.000-08:002008-11-06T12:46:28.119-08:00I'm back!Got home yesterday from Venice & Croatia. I'm a little too out of it to write a full review, but it was definitely a great trip. Unfortunately, our luggage was lost, but eventually found us in Dubrovnik after 6 days (of a 9 day trip). We spent way too much time on vacation shopping for underwear and socks, but even with that we got some good stories out of it.<br /><br />Right now I'm trying to get a hold of the IUI coordinator at the infertility clinic. I have to say, she sucks. I was reserving judgment for so long, but really, I can't believe how difficult communication with her has been. I emailed her before I left letting her know she could call my prescription in for my meds (this was a response to her e-mail a few hours earlier). No response until about 3 days ago, when I got an e-mail from her saying she had been out of the office, and had the pharmacy contacted me? Nope.<br /><br />AF started on Wednesday California time, and I was hoping that today I could get my baseline sonogram and actually have a go at this cycle, but... I e-mailed her from the Venice airport yesterday saying I would be home today and could take any appointment any time. Just make me one, at any office, and I'd be there. No response. I called and left a message this morning, no response. My window has come and gone at this point. There isn't enough time for me to get the injectable meds, there are just too many obstacles, and I'm just fed up. I can't stop crying, and it's just so upsetting. Even tough I was terribly uncomfortable flying for 14 hours while dealing with AF, I was so cheerful, I really thought everything was going to work out. It's not. I'm pissed off, and just feel helpless. I need a break.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-48370139300926422802008-10-23T20:09:00.000-07:002008-10-25T10:59:50.890-07:00A whole lot of cycle talk going onTime has got me down right now. Everything is so complicated and all I have to deal with are delays.<br /><br />This cycle I had my HSG. Next cycle I was supposed to have my first IUI. But... I'm going to be on vacation possibly at the start of my cycle. Or not. Who knows? Not me, certainly. I never know what my body is planning on doing. Maybe AF will show a few days before I come home, maybe she'll show a few days later. Heck, maybe I'm pregnant & she'll never show!<br /><br /><br />So now I've decided to try, try, try to make this next cycle happen. It all depends on my least favorite aunt, Aunt Flo. On Monday I'm having all my pre-conception bloodwork done. Later that afternoon I leave for Venice & Croatia. When I get back, if AF starts I'll need to go in and get an ultrasound, and get my meds, get the latest plan... plus, I was supposed to take an injections class, and there won't be any time for that... As I told my doctor at my first visit, I've given my cat insulin and subcutaneous fluids, so at least I have some experience. She didn't dismiss me at all with that, so I'm hoping with just some instruction I should be able to take care of it.<br /><br />The only reason I'm really hoping I can do the IUI this cycle is because if it's successful I'd be due in July. My dh is a teacher & I really want him around. Of course, 2 years ago I had my mind completely set on conceiving a baby that would be born in the summer of 07... so timing hasn't really been my friend for any of this.<br /><br />I'm off to go have lunch with my mom. I'm considering confiding in her about all of this... but it's not really the relationship we have. We'll see how the mood strikes me.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-29393339460239490412008-10-13T18:51:00.000-07:002008-10-13T19:00:43.495-07:00HSG todayWell, on the positive side - no tube blockage, and so far no cramping. Oh, another plus: it's over.<br /><br />I did not enjoy this experience at all. I didn't like being taken from an exam room to an operating room with a stupid sheet wrapped around my waist. I also didn't like the touching, prodding, poking that went along with this exam. I also did not enjoy the fight I got in with my dh over him not making an illegal U-Turn in order to get me to the appointment on time. (Me: "God damn it, can you stop driving like a little old lady? Sheesh!" Him: "I'm not going to Starbucks anymore so we can save $3.00 a day, and you want me to blow that all on a $300.00 ticket?" ) Yeah, good times.<br /><br />The human brain is so crazy. I know this exam was very, very uncomfortable, sort of painful for short amounts of time, and yet, 2 hours later, I can barely remember it. I just remember telling myself: this sucks!<br /><br />Anyway, I'm feeling fine and looking forward to the next steps. Hopefully tomorrow I'll find out what exactly those are.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-91505432334067212822008-09-28T19:45:00.000-07:002008-09-28T20:20:55.317-07:00The PlanI'm not feeling so great. DH & I talked for a long time about our options, and although he said he was excited about our next steps, I'm filled with dread & worry. I'm really shocked at the price of the injectable meds. I had heard they were expensive, but I thought that meant $300.00 or so, not $3,000.00. I'm not sure if that figure is correct, because all I know is that on the sheet I was given of what a typical IUI w/injectables costs, it said $3,200.00 each time. I'm assuming that includes the medication, but on another sheet it said that the medicine alone would cost $3,500.00 each cycle. So, I've got to get that sorted out.<br /><br />Assuming that the procedure + meds will be in the $3,200.00 range, we can afford for me to do an IUI 3-4 times. This will mean that some of our money that's earmarked for our Roth IRA retirement fund will be siphoned into the TTC fund (there's not really a TTC fund, but there might as well be). If those attempts are not successful, then we are done. We can't afford to try any more. After a year we can start the adoption process. This is all breaking my heart. It's so much pressure, and i just want to be a parent, but I'm just feeling this pull to try the IUI & just see if it would work. Adoption is so close to my heart, yet I'm just not ready to give up on being able to be pregnant. <br /><br />I just don't know that I can wait a full year to adopt. My poor husband, he thought he was being so great when he went & worked all the numbers and came up with a plan, but all it resulted in me was bawling. I mean, if we did 3 IUIs in a row, had zero success, we could still possibly be parents in 2009 if we adopted. But, he just doesn't see it happening. I have to find some other ways to go about this, because I don't think he gets that I CAN NOT wait any longer. We have been trying for 2 and a half years. There is no more time left.~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-76702078579715038862008-09-25T10:28:00.000-07:002008-09-25T10:58:37.071-07:00My first RE appointmentYesterday was one of my super busy crazy days. I'm writing that as if it's a common occurrence. It's not. In fact, normally my life is pretty darn boring. Not yesterday, though.<br /><br />Here's what my day looked like yesterday:<br /><br />7am: Took progesterone blood test<br />7:30am-8:45am: Drove to work<br />1:00pm: Left work<br />1:00-2:00pm:Drove home<br />2:00pm-3:00 pm: Got all dolled-up<br />3:00pm-4:20pm:Drove to RE appointment (got lost, even though the office is on the same street my dad lives on)<br />4:20pm-5:30 pm:RE appointment<br />5:30-11:00 pm: Norwegian Tourism board event at the Claremont Hotel, and a dinner cruise on the bay<br /><br />Phew! I spent the night at the Claremont, and was so sad my DH wasn't there to enjoy it with me.<br />This morning I'm back at home, and will go into work in just a little bit. In the meantime, let me tell you about my re appointment , and if I have time, also about hobnobbing with the Norwegian Consulate General....<br /><br />The appointment: Well, I was late, very late. I can't believe I didn't understand the directions. I was so flustered when I finally got there, but the receptionist was kind, and made me feel much more relaxed.<br /><br />I went on to see the Dr & sat in her office & just chatted. She was really fantastic, has heard it all before, and is just really proactive. We talked about family history, my DH, my past treatments. Immediately she said I'm done with Clomid. It didn't work, so move on. However, she was pleased to see I've been ovulating for the past 6 months or so. I didn't think my #s were ever very good, but she said there was definitely ovulation. So, that felt good. I admitted that I had stopped taking all my other medicines, and she encouraged me to go back on them, and add in a half hour of exercise a day. I know my DH will support that, so hopefully I can incorporate that soon into my lifestyle.<br /><br />We then went into the exam room and she did an ultrasound and counted many, many cysts on my ovaries. So, yep, I definitely have PCOS. She'd like me to get a HSG, and then start on injectables and then it's my choice to do an IUI or IVF (I'm so sorry for all the jargon,and I just don't have time today to explain it all, but I'll post a little primer on all the lingo sometime soon).<br /><br />So, then we were done, and I guess her nurse will call me sometime today to get some of this scheduled. I haven't even talked to DH, yet, so I don't know what his thoughts will be. It sounds like if I do an IUI it will be $3,000.00 each month (there's only a 25% chance of success), and if I do IVF, the cost more than doubles, but so do my chances. I'm just not sure about any of this.<br /><br />I haven't had a chance to really digest any of it. Hopefully tonight DH & I will get some good conversations in.<br /><br />Oops, got to run, my carpool is just about here.<br /><br />Thanks for reading!~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8419278542358478974.post-62138063727821413422008-09-17T15:39:00.000-07:002008-09-17T15:42:34.078-07:00Fertility clinic seminarLast night I went to a "Meet the Doctors" seminar at a fertility clinic (or is it infertility clinic? what's the right title???). I ended up going alone because it was the 3rd attempt I had made to get into the seminar, and each time something came up. This time it was my dh's back to school night. So, I showed up, alone, and feeling really stupid, as there was only one other couple there. So the three of us sat and heard about trans-vaginal ultrasounds, and lots of sperm talk, and saw photos of fallopian tubes and all sorts of other lovely stuff that doesn't seem so mortifying when you are with an anonymous large group, but a little too intimate when it's just you & 2 strangers. The doctor seemed very animated (um, too animated for my taste), but I felt good when he asked if I thought they could see an egg on an ultrasound and I answered, "Um, I don't think so... they are very small." I was right!<br /><br />This clinic as a whole has gotten rave reviews form others on the Nest boards, and their rates are much more reasonable than Kaiser's fertility clinic, at least for basic services & IUIs. In fact, I started crying at work when Kaiser called me to tell me the price ($560.00 for the initial consultation/exam!) This clinic is about half that, plus they give a 1/2 off coupon for your initial visit/exam just for going to one of the seminars. I seriously don't know what will come of this. I know that we just can't afford IVF. It's just not a possibility. I think the rate was $17,000.00. And there, of course, are no guarantees. I always feel like I need to qualify the statement "we can't afford that" because I mean, we have the money, but we'd really rather use it towards actually raising our child, or at least towards something that doesn't seem quite so statistically risky. Now, I'm not slamming the door on IVF, it's still open, but I'd need to really hear that we are prime, super candidates for the procedure, which I don't think we will. But, I'm going to make a call (hopefully an e-mail, since I hate talking on the phone), and set up my first appointment soon.<br /><br />My only other hesitation is timing of all of this. I work so far from the clinic, I just don't know if there is a way to schedule all this stuff without having to let my work know. As I've mentioned in the past, my boss is freakily interested in my procreation plans, & I've tried to keep her in the dark as much as possible. I don't mind taking a day off here & there, but the logistics of it all seem very overwhelming. Well, I guess my first step is to make that appointment. Wish me luck!~M~http://www.blogger.com/profile/16167418316182999480noreply@blogger.com2