The $70.00 Smoothie

Well, it wasn't $70.00 for one smoothie, but that is how much I spent today on smoothie ingredients as recommended to me by my acupuncturist. She gave me a recipe, said I could find everything at Whole Foods, and so I went. So, what does $70.00 get you at Whole Paycheck?

(Did you know that you can buy fresh bee pollen? Freaky.)

I actually had a pretty tough, emotional day today. I don't enjoy crying in front of people, but today my body rebelled against me & let the tears flow while I was lying on the acupuncturist's table. And this was before I had 5 needles in my ear!

So, why was I crying? Well, stupid, effin AF came... which means round 1 of clomid + acupuncture did not work. I'm beginning to panic because I'm only giving myself 3 months with clomid, & I've just used up one of them.

Also, a friend on the Nest posted a picture from a gtg about 2 1/2 years ago. Pictured were 12 women. Of the 12, 8 have had babies since that gtg. 8! Of the 4 remaining, 2 are not at all interested in having kids (as far a I can tell), and the other two, well... one of them is typing a blog entry right now about her stupid infertility, the other one is having her own struggles.

I have never, ever, been the jealous type. I am not upset when I see new babies, hear about new BFPs (yay Ariel!!!!!) , or get invited to baby showers. Hell, I'll throw you a baby shower if you'll let me. (You really should - they are always a lot of fun...) My baby nephew, who lives in the building across from me, brings me more joy than anything I could imagine. Still, seeing those statistics played out so visually in front of me... 8 out of 10 with their babies... well, it reached down inside of me & made me ache. Plus, my dh was a jerk all day & only just made it up by taking me to see Forgetting Sarah Marshall (which was fantastic, btw). So, I'm doing ok, but I'm really, really hoping for better results this month. So, this month I will be clomid taking, herbal ingesting, & smoothie enjoying.

Oh, I also found a Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor on Craigslist today, so I will also need to add pee monitoring to my list of daily chores.

I'm also hoping my fish doesn't die. He's not looking too good.

I can't sleep.

My mind is just racing. I think its the cocoa I had not too long ago. Or the fact that according to FertilityFriend.com, I ovulated 8 days ago. Or did I? That is the million dollar question... and the one that has me freaking out. Here's the problem: every morning I note my waking (basal) temperature & then enter it into FF. Now, I've been fairly consistent this cycle, but I've missed a couple days, and sometimes I wake up at strange times & you're supposed to take your temp at the same time every day. I can tell already that I'm rambling.... Ok, so I haven't seen anything that looks really like ovulation on my chart, but I'm not an expert. At all. If you have the paid FF subscription, FF will take all your signs & temps & tell you if it thinks you've ovulated, or will ovulate. Up until today I've gotten nothing. Nada. So I did something that I don't know was wise. FF has different interpretation modules that you can choose. I've been on the The Advanced Detector, which is the default, but then I changed over to the Research Detector, which according to FF notes, can be "unstable." See the descriptions of the two here:

• Advanced Detector is our recommended detector and the default for all charts. We recommend that you keep your chart on this setting. This detector takes all your fertility signs into account. It uses the computing power of our servers to actually scan for patterns of ovulation on your charts based on the many patterns that we have encountered through our years of experience. Once it has determined your most likely ovulation day based on all your fertility signs, it then determines a coverline (the horizontal line across your chart) with a reasonable value to show you your biphasic (ovulation) pattern. Our advanced detector simultaneously takes into account all signs and data you enter to determine the best interpretation.
  
• The Research Detector is our cutting edge research detector. This detector includes all new patterns and improvements as we find them. With time and testing, we roll new findings into the advanced detector when appropriate. Since this detector is continuously under construction, it can be unstable. You should use it only if you wish to check for enhancements that are not yet rolled into the advanced detector.

When I switched to Research, it changed my chart from saying "possible ovulation date 4/10... no ovulation detected yet" to
showing an ovulation date. I just don't know!

So, for all intents & purposes I'm in the 2 week wait. I'm going to do my very best not to test until after cycle day 33. Knowing me I'll sneak one in sooner than that, but I won't be crushed if it's negative. Up until tonight I didn't think I had any chance at all. Maybe it's better that way. At least that way I can sleep. Right now all I can think about is if I'm pg this cycle, the baby's due date will be 1/1/09. I can't have a New Year's Baby, can I? That would be crazy! What will I do at work if I have morning sickness and am not ready to tell anyone? The poor bookkeeper shares a wall with the bathroom... she'd surely know what's going on... and so on & so on. At least when I didn't have any hope I let my mind rest. Now I'm all sorts of crazy.

Fingers crossed for me, ok????

Herbs now, too?

So this weekend I'm not feeling very optimistic. I had a good acupuncture session yesterday, but it wasn't very reassuring. I brought in my temperature chart from this cycle so far, and she was silent for a long time, and after talking to her it was obvious that she didn't see anything that looked like ovulation. She really wants me to start herbs, but I've been very resistant. I have a pretty cynical attitude; and a pretty good bullshit detector, if I do say so myself ;)... so when people start trying to upsell me on anything I tend to smile politely & say "no thank you." So, that's what I thought this was, an upsell. She asked me the reason that I didn't want to try the herbs & I listed 3 true points:
1. My stomach is sensitive and I have a hard enough time with pre-natals (I've resorted to taking Flintsones vitamins & folic acid supplements).

2. I'm taking other medications & I don't know what the reaction would be.

and

3. We're on a budget (so I can actually raise this baby as a SAHM if I ever get there), it's already a stretch to my pocketbook to spend as much as we are on weekly treatments; and I overheard her giving the grand total of one acupuncture treatment, plus herbs to a new client, and the total was nearly $300.00 - I'm already having a hard time convincing my dh that this is worthwhile, adding another $100.00+ into the mix a month would not go over that well....

So, I told her my concerns, and she had answers for everything. I can try pills or teas for the herbs, many of her patients are on the exact same medications as I am & have not had problems with the herbs, and she thinks its so important that she's willing to give them to me as part of my treatment fee, so in essence - free. Well, "free" is all I really need to hear, so next cycle I'll try the herbs.

Today is day 21 of a my cycle & my doctor wanted me to get my progesterone tested today to see if I ovulated. I already know (think?) the answer is no, so my mind is already on the next cycle. It's got to happen one of these days, right? Right?

That leads me to an odd conversation I had with Dh. I was telling him about being disappointed that nothing is happening fast, and I want us to be parents so bad.
~
Dh: Well, how long have we been trying?
Me: (holds up two fingers)
Dh: Right - two weeks.
Me: No! (holds up two fingers)
Dh: Ok, Two months. Two years?? No, that's not right. I mean really trying. We weren't timing anything, we weren't even having sex regularly. Now we're actually trying, and it's just been a few weeks.
~

Uh, Ok... but it is sort of nice to think that maybe we are just starting! I was lackadaisical about the whole thing because I just assumed it would be easy & happen when it happened. So I'm a little more empowered and it feels good.

That still didn't stop me from being in a major weird funk last night that was only broken by begrudgingly going swimming. That felt good & I'm looking forward to more of it now the weather has turned.

One last thing, I read all of your comments, and thank all of you! One of these days I'll respond to any questions that come up in them, but my time on the computer is sort of limited until I get my laptop & don't have to share with dh.

I'm not very original.

Apparently. Today I decided to do a minor ego-check & see what happens if I did a search on my blog on Google. I wasn't expecting to see anything, since I think I have it set to not be searchable (have to check that) and I've just started it , but I really wasn't expecting to see reference to a dead blog at my new address. But that is what I found. First it was just a link listed on another blog from a few years ago. That led me to go search the Way Back Machine for fertilitynow.blogspot.com, and that's when I found years' worth of old postings from a woman struggling with infertility. I've just started reading, and I'm just loving her voice. She & I had the exact same reasoning for calling our blogs "Fertility Now" - it's a Seinfeld reference - George's dad attempts to calm himself down by screaming "Serenity Now!" Eventually it backfires & creates an explosion of emotion. George's nemesis later tells him that he tried "Serenity Now", but it only led to him being put in a mental hospital. "Serenity now...insanity later." I was watching that episode & that's when I decided to start the blog. I've been keeping everything bottled up, only allowing people in a little bit, but it's burdening me. At least now I can write & explore, and feel safe.

So, back to the person who used to live at this virtual address. She's moved on, stopped using blogger, switched over to typepad, and eventually achieved "Fertility Now." (Well, she had her son, but it looks like she's still struggling with fertility.)

I sort of feel like an impostor now, using this name... Well, new people move in, right? I may not be the original owner of this spot in the blogosphere, but it's mine now & I'll be here for a while!

Blog roll being updated

Just a really quick post to say that I am working on updating my blog roll over there on the left side. I have about 60 to add to the list, & it's taking forever. Plus, I swear I already entered about 11 , but I must not have pressed save, since they're all gone except Angela's. Oh, well, I do love Angela's blog.

On the fertility front: Yesterday was my last day of taking Clomid for this cycle. Now lets "nature" take its course & see what happens! I must say, I don't think I had any major side-effects. I seemed a little bit snippy & high strung on Sunday, but I asked my husband if I was a monster & he replied, "Not at all - you're spunky - I like it!" I felt a tad queasy last night, but it passed quickly. So, yay! All in all very easy!

What a full day!

I'm just waking up from what must be a food & acupuncture fueled coma.

Yesterday was my first acupuncture appointment. I'm going a bit out of my way, but the acupuncturist I'm seeing came with very good references, and I feel sort of afloat when making these kinds of decisions. My time is fairly limited, so I can't go to lots of random places from the internet & hope to find someone that I like. So, I went to one recommended to me by a Nestie who now has a little one. I actually saw this Nestie yesterday & she sort of off-handedly mentioned the cycle she started seeing this acupuncturist was the one she got pg on. So we'll see!

At the acupuncture appointment I filled out as short questionnaire about my health, diet and exercise history, (which included questions about my mood & stress level). Mood: Moderate; Stress level 3 out of 10 (not too bad, right?). Diet: poor, and carb heavy (it was pointed out to me). Exercise: what? That's currently not really part of my life. So, besides the acupuncture, I'll be needing to make some diet changes & definitely start upping my cardio.

So, when I went in to the office we talked a little about the form I just filled out, then I took my shoes off & got on the the table (Sort of like a massage table). I did not have to remove any clothes, which going into it, I really didn't know. Thank god I didn't just assume that I would, because the acupuncturist would of had quite a surprise! Well, I didn't know anything about acupuncture; I thought she'd have to stick needles near my uterus or something. Um, no, it doesn't work that way!

The acupuncturist, Kim, had me relax on my back, and she inserted about four needles into my left ear, one on my head somewhere, one on my arm, a couple in some fingers, and a few in my foot. There might have been one some where else, too. At first I just felt a little tap, but my ears were sensitive & I could really feel the needles. I let her know & she adjusted & it was much better. The others I didn't feel as much. When she was done she left the room so I could relax for a half hour. At first my mind was racing. I even thought about work, which I never do. And then i was asleep. I had dreams & everything. I opened my eyes & wasn't sure where I was, it was a bit disconcerting! Then a moment later Kim opened the door & asked if I had fallen asleep. I had! Then she asked if I woke up wondering where I was. I did! So, at least I'm normal. She removed all the needles & asked me to relax a little more. But then I got antsy, so I sat there for about 90 seconds & then checked out.

All in all, it was a positive experience. I felt very relaxed afterward (almost stoned), it felt a bit like I do after a massage. So, I'll be going every week for the next couple months. We'll see what happens!

Jeez, this is going to be a long post... So, after my acupuncture I had a party to go to. A fantastic Nestie opened her home to us for a "Heritage GTG" - we each had to bring something tat represented our heritage. I could not think of anything that I could make that would be edible for Norwegian or Czech, so I brought some samosas in honor of my husband's Pakistani heritage.

Everything was so delicious, and the group of people there were so friendly. I love my local Nesties!

I came home, started watching a show about a women's prison & promptly fell asleep. A nice deep, food & acupuncture fueled sleep!

Oh, I also started Clomid on Friday! No side-effects, yet. Crap, now that I've written that I'm pretty doomed to get them, I think!

AF is here!

Dear lord, I can't believe I've resorted to talking about my period in cyberspace. Well, who cares - because she's here!!! I was on cycle day 34, which isn't unusual, but I hadn't been feeling any symptoms, which is weird for me. But my body just wanted me to freak out a little. Getting AF is super important because it means that on Friday I can start Clomid!

Ah, Clomid... I had such mixed emotions about you... I whined on thenest that I was sooo disappointed that my doctor had prescribed Clomid for me. I felt like there it was - I was an infertile, not capable of naturally producing my own offspring. The gals over on thenest were so supportive & it was then that I realized I was being a baby; that this was actually an opportunity for me & my dh, and instead of being mad at my body, I was actually excited. Woo hoo for Clomid!

Oh, here's the complete text of the e-mail my dr sent me prescribing Clomid:

Your labs indicate that you likely did not ovulate this cycle, and you most likely have polycystic ovarian syndrome. You are taking Metformin twice per day now. Let's have you increase it to three times per day. I'll also prescribe Clomid 50mg. You take one tablet a day on days #5-9 of each cycle. It's very simple. I'm leaving for vacation and will return on March 26. If you have any further questions, I can answer them when I return.

Getting started.

So, my dh is going away for a bit (one school week) so this gives me some time to work out some of my feelings about beginning infertility treatments. A little background: I've always had irregular cycles, and was on the pill for many years just to "regulate things." I don't remember anyone (doctors, nurse practitioners, etc. ) ever spending even a second to talk to me about what it all could mean - they just put me on the pill & figured that would fix my problems. I didn't know that I could potentially have problems down the road, & even when I went for a "pre-conception" appointment, my doctor just said to try for 6 months & then see him if I had any problems. 24 months later, and it looks like I'm finally getting somewhere. None of this is anyone's fault, but it is teaching me that I must be able to speak up for myself & know as much as I can in order to move along. Unfortunately I'm more of a "let's hope it all works out on it's own" kind of gal. I think I'm going to have to adjust that!