Injecting yourself is too hard!

Today I started my follistim injectable meds for my IUI. I thought I would have no problem... I had no fear, no nervousness... until I was holding that needle, hovering in front of my tummy. I couldn't do it! Luckily my dh stepped up and did it. I felt absolutely nothing... but I still think DH will be my designated injector.

On Christmas I'll go in for another ultra sound, and then I think around 12/30 or thereabouts will be my IUI. I'm feeling excited, but keeping my expectations low.

My latest update

Why is it when you do everything right that everything ends up going wrong?

Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but this month I actually took all my medicines daily (unlike the last few months where I've taken them weekly, if at all), I got all my bloodwork done, I kept in good contact with my RE's office, I had a good block of time that I could have all my appointments and be discreet at work about them, and yet, nothing ever works according to plan!

I've been pretty bummed out since I returned from Croatia and wasn't able to start my IUI cycle. But, I put aside my disappointment, let my IUI coordinator know I wasn't happy with our miscommunication, and started fresh. My husband got all his pre-conception bloodwork done and results back (except his Cystic Fibrosis test, we haven't seen those results, yet). We both went in for a demonstration of how injectable medicines work and are administered - I can totally do it to myself, by the way, I'm sure of it. We also got the IUI schedule, when I go in for my ultrasounds, when I start taking my Follistim, my Ovidrel and my Prometrium suppositories, when I get my hCG trigger and then depending on all that when I have my IUI. All that we needed was for AF to show, and then we'd be on the train.

Except this month I didn't ovulate. The first time in about 6 or 7 months. I never got a peak on my CBEFM, just 20 days of "Highs." Now, this was already sort of a throw away cycle, since I was completely unmedicated (except for my normal daily meds), but it was also my last chance at conceiving naturally (and cheaply, since I don't even require a fancy dinner). So I went in and got a progesterone test just to make sure, and wow, it couldn't be any lower... Knowing that I didn't ovulate sent alarm bells going crazy in my head, because even with some ovulation, even a low progesterone reading of 5 or 6, as I normally have, at least AF remains pretty consistent - 31-33 day cycle. Without ovulation, I didn't know if AF would come naturally. So I was able to get some Provera pills in the hopes that they would help my period start on time or just a tad late. Well, I'm on day 36 now & no AF. So, no big deal, right... except, of course I studied that
projected IUI schedule like an obsessed crazy person, and knew that if AF came when it was supposed to that my boss would be out of the office for almost the entire time that I would have to have my appointments, thus reducing the likelihood of having to answer questions, or be the subject of rumors, etc... So now I'm back to wondering if this month is a bust. Will my body betray me more, or will it finally be merciful and just work? So, I wait.

Sadness...

As much as I bemoan my own issues, in the scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. This was especially made clear when I heard about two tragedies in the blogging world.

First, my friend Stephanie, (who is due with her first child in a little over a month) over at My Life... lost her mom (and her best friend) last week to a very nasty strain of breast cancer. My mom is a breast cancer survivor, and it just hit home so hard that I shouldn't take her remission (or her, for that matter) for granted. Another blogger, Laura, set up a donation page in Stephanie's mom's name, and I hope you might be able to spare a small amount to support the fight against breast cancer. Any amount can be charged right to your credit card & all goes directly to the Susan G. Komen for a Cure charity. Of course, it's tax deductible, too.

I also heard some terrible news through Little Blue Elephant that a little girl in Guatemala waiting for her adoptive family to come pick her up (they were just weeks away from their travel date, and the adoption had been finalized in Guatemala) was murdered, along with her foster family in a home invasion robbery. The family has a donation page set up at their blog for anyone who is able to help them out (it's on the left hand column, titled "chip in"). My heart breaks for them, and for the little girl, Josi, and her foster family. What a terrible tragedy. Please keep them in your thoughts.

Thank you, everyone, for your time.

I'm back!

Got home yesterday from Venice & Croatia. I'm a little too out of it to write a full review, but it was definitely a great trip. Unfortunately, our luggage was lost, but eventually found us in Dubrovnik after 6 days (of a 9 day trip). We spent way too much time on vacation shopping for underwear and socks, but even with that we got some good stories out of it.

Right now I'm trying to get a hold of the IUI coordinator at the infertility clinic. I have to say, she sucks. I was reserving judgment for so long, but really, I can't believe how difficult communication with her has been. I emailed her before I left letting her know she could call my prescription in for my meds (this was a response to her e-mail a few hours earlier). No response until about 3 days ago, when I got an e-mail from her saying she had been out of the office, and had the pharmacy contacted me? Nope.

AF started on Wednesday California time, and I was hoping that today I could get my baseline sonogram and actually have a go at this cycle, but... I e-mailed her from the Venice airport yesterday saying I would be home today and could take any appointment any time. Just make me one, at any office, and I'd be there. No response. I called and left a message this morning, no response. My window has come and gone at this point. There isn't enough time for me to get the injectable meds, there are just too many obstacles, and I'm just fed up. I can't stop crying, and it's just so upsetting. Even tough I was terribly uncomfortable flying for 14 hours while dealing with AF, I was so cheerful, I really thought everything was going to work out. It's not. I'm pissed off, and just feel helpless. I need a break.

A whole lot of cycle talk going on

Time has got me down right now. Everything is so complicated and all I have to deal with are delays.

This cycle I had my HSG. Next cycle I was supposed to have my first IUI. But... I'm going to be on vacation possibly at the start of my cycle. Or not. Who knows? Not me, certainly. I never know what my body is planning on doing. Maybe AF will show a few days before I come home, maybe she'll show a few days later. Heck, maybe I'm pregnant & she'll never show!


So now I've decided to try, try, try to make this next cycle happen. It all depends on my least favorite aunt, Aunt Flo. On Monday I'm having all my pre-conception bloodwork done. Later that afternoon I leave for Venice & Croatia. When I get back, if AF starts I'll need to go in and get an ultrasound, and get my meds, get the latest plan... plus, I was supposed to take an injections class, and there won't be any time for that... As I told my doctor at my first visit, I've given my cat insulin and subcutaneous fluids, so at least I have some experience. She didn't dismiss me at all with that, so I'm hoping with just some instruction I should be able to take care of it.

The only reason I'm really hoping I can do the IUI this cycle is because if it's successful I'd be due in July. My dh is a teacher & I really want him around. Of course, 2 years ago I had my mind completely set on conceiving a baby that would be born in the summer of 07... so timing hasn't really been my friend for any of this.

I'm off to go have lunch with my mom. I'm considering confiding in her about all of this... but it's not really the relationship we have. We'll see how the mood strikes me.

HSG today

Well, on the positive side - no tube blockage, and so far no cramping. Oh, another plus: it's over.

I did not enjoy this experience at all. I didn't like being taken from an exam room to an operating room with a stupid sheet wrapped around my waist. I also didn't like the touching, prodding, poking that went along with this exam. I also did not enjoy the fight I got in with my dh over him not making an illegal U-Turn in order to get me to the appointment on time. (Me: "God damn it, can you stop driving like a little old lady? Sheesh!" Him: "I'm not going to Starbucks anymore so we can save $3.00 a day, and you want me to blow that all on a $300.00 ticket?" ) Yeah, good times.

The human brain is so crazy. I know this exam was very, very uncomfortable, sort of painful for short amounts of time, and yet, 2 hours later, I can barely remember it. I just remember telling myself: this sucks!

Anyway, I'm feeling fine and looking forward to the next steps. Hopefully tomorrow I'll find out what exactly those are.

The Plan

I'm not feeling so great. DH & I talked for a long time about our options, and although he said he was excited about our next steps, I'm filled with dread & worry. I'm really shocked at the price of the injectable meds. I had heard they were expensive, but I thought that meant $300.00 or so, not $3,000.00. I'm not sure if that figure is correct, because all I know is that on the sheet I was given of what a typical IUI w/injectables costs, it said $3,200.00 each time. I'm assuming that includes the medication, but on another sheet it said that the medicine alone would cost $3,500.00 each cycle. So, I've got to get that sorted out.

Assuming that the procedure + meds will be in the $3,200.00 range, we can afford for me to do an IUI 3-4 times. This will mean that some of our money that's earmarked for our Roth IRA retirement fund will be siphoned into the TTC fund (there's not really a TTC fund, but there might as well be). If those attempts are not successful, then we are done. We can't afford to try any more. After a year we can start the adoption process. This is all breaking my heart. It's so much pressure, and i just want to be a parent, but I'm just feeling this pull to try the IUI & just see if it would work. Adoption is so close to my heart, yet I'm just not ready to give up on being able to be pregnant.

I just don't know that I can wait a full year to adopt. My poor husband, he thought he was being so great when he went & worked all the numbers and came up with a plan, but all it resulted in me was bawling. I mean, if we did 3 IUIs in a row, had zero success, we could still possibly be parents in 2009 if we adopted. But, he just doesn't see it happening. I have to find some other ways to go about this, because I don't think he gets that I CAN NOT wait any longer. We have been trying for 2 and a half years. There is no more time left.

My first RE appointment

Yesterday was one of my super busy crazy days. I'm writing that as if it's a common occurrence. It's not. In fact, normally my life is pretty darn boring. Not yesterday, though.

Here's what my day looked like yesterday:

7am: Took progesterone blood test
7:30am-8:45am: Drove to work
1:00pm: Left work
1:00-2:00pm:Drove home
2:00pm-3:00 pm: Got all dolled-up
3:00pm-4:20pm:Drove to RE appointment (got lost, even though the office is on the same street my dad lives on)
4:20pm-5:30 pm:RE appointment
5:30-11:00 pm: Norwegian Tourism board event at the Claremont Hotel, and a dinner cruise on the bay

Phew! I spent the night at the Claremont, and was so sad my DH wasn't there to enjoy it with me.
This morning I'm back at home, and will go into work in just a little bit. In the meantime, let me tell you about my re appointment , and if I have time, also about hobnobbing with the Norwegian Consulate General....

The appointment: Well, I was late, very late. I can't believe I didn't understand the directions. I was so flustered when I finally got there, but the receptionist was kind, and made me feel much more relaxed.

I went on to see the Dr & sat in her office & just chatted. She was really fantastic, has heard it all before, and is just really proactive. We talked about family history, my DH, my past treatments. Immediately she said I'm done with Clomid. It didn't work, so move on. However, she was pleased to see I've been ovulating for the past 6 months or so. I didn't think my #s were ever very good, but she said there was definitely ovulation. So, that felt good. I admitted that I had stopped taking all my other medicines, and she encouraged me to go back on them, and add in a half hour of exercise a day. I know my DH will support that, so hopefully I can incorporate that soon into my lifestyle.

We then went into the exam room and she did an ultrasound and counted many, many cysts on my ovaries. So, yep, I definitely have PCOS. She'd like me to get a HSG, and then start on injectables and then it's my choice to do an IUI or IVF (I'm so sorry for all the jargon,and I just don't have time today to explain it all, but I'll post a little primer on all the lingo sometime soon).

So, then we were done, and I guess her nurse will call me sometime today to get some of this scheduled. I haven't even talked to DH, yet, so I don't know what his thoughts will be. It sounds like if I do an IUI it will be $3,000.00 each month (there's only a 25% chance of success), and if I do IVF, the cost more than doubles, but so do my chances. I'm just not sure about any of this.

I haven't had a chance to really digest any of it. Hopefully tonight DH & I will get some good conversations in.

Oops, got to run, my carpool is just about here.

Thanks for reading!

Fertility clinic seminar

Last night I went to a "Meet the Doctors" seminar at a fertility clinic (or is it infertility clinic? what's the right title???). I ended up going alone because it was the 3rd attempt I had made to get into the seminar, and each time something came up. This time it was my dh's back to school night. So, I showed up, alone, and feeling really stupid, as there was only one other couple there. So the three of us sat and heard about trans-vaginal ultrasounds, and lots of sperm talk, and saw photos of fallopian tubes and all sorts of other lovely stuff that doesn't seem so mortifying when you are with an anonymous large group, but a little too intimate when it's just you & 2 strangers. The doctor seemed very animated (um, too animated for my taste), but I felt good when he asked if I thought they could see an egg on an ultrasound and I answered, "Um, I don't think so... they are very small." I was right!

This clinic as a whole has gotten rave reviews form others on the Nest boards, and their rates are much more reasonable than Kaiser's fertility clinic, at least for basic services & IUIs. In fact, I started crying at work when Kaiser called me to tell me the price ($560.00 for the initial consultation/exam!) This clinic is about half that, plus they give a 1/2 off coupon for your initial visit/exam just for going to one of the seminars. I seriously don't know what will come of this. I know that we just can't afford IVF. It's just not a possibility. I think the rate was $17,000.00. And there, of course, are no guarantees. I always feel like I need to qualify the statement "we can't afford that" because I mean, we have the money, but we'd really rather use it towards actually raising our child, or at least towards something that doesn't seem quite so statistically risky. Now, I'm not slamming the door on IVF, it's still open, but I'd need to really hear that we are prime, super candidates for the procedure, which I don't think we will. But, I'm going to make a call (hopefully an e-mail, since I hate talking on the phone), and set up my first appointment soon.

My only other hesitation is timing of all of this. I work so far from the clinic, I just don't know if there is a way to schedule all this stuff without having to let my work know. As I've mentioned in the past, my boss is freakily interested in my procreation plans, & I've tried to keep her in the dark as much as possible. I don't mind taking a day off here & there, but the logistics of it all seem very overwhelming. Well, I guess my first step is to make that appointment. Wish me luck!

Stupid Gymboree, stupid me

To follow up a little on yesterday's post regarding testing... I went crazy enough to actually tear apart the plastic casing of the HPT in order to examine the line a little closer. It was vague enough that I left the house to go to the Dollar Tree to buy some more tests. Oh how I love having a basket full of their tests, and nothing else, at the checkout. However, God was saving me from my embarrassment, or something, because the giant Dollar Tree that I go to had closed down! So then I went to the other, more ghetto-y Dollar Tree, but they didn't have any tests at all. Since I was at this point convinced that I was a lunatic, I didn't go to Target or any other place to buy the more expensive tests.

In between my Dollar Tree stops, I stopped at the mall to get my mom a present (I was secretly hoping that me telling her that she was going to be a grandma would be her gift this year). Any way, I stupidly went in to Gymboree (clothes store, not tumbling place - I'm not that messed up, yet) & it just hit me that I was not a mom, that it's not going to happen, that I am infertile... all the little clothes, especially the Halloween styles just got to me. I've rarely been this affected. Normally I just note in my mind what I like, and figure I will have lots of chances to buy later. I don't know why this little pumpkin cardigan, shirt & hat just put me over the edge, but they did:

So, I got myself out of there right away & got a lemon truffle from Sees. Chocolate makes everything better.

So today I figured I might as well go & buy a test from Target, but before I got out the door, AF showed & put to rest any of my crazy inclinations. So, yay, I think this is month 30! Ugh.

Last night I e-mailed my dr to get the referral to the RE, and I'll start the other research I need to do for other clinics, plus I also got a pack of info from another adoption agency, so at least I'm getting more details about all my options.

Oh, and I also thought I felt a lump in my breast this morning. I'm pretty sure it's nothing, but nonetheless I'll be e-mailing my doctor to see if I should come in and get a professional opinion.

I'm so happy this is a long weekend. I don't think I could go to work with all this stuff floating in my head.

I'll let you in on a little of my insanity...

When I tested this morning, it was like 4:45 am. I didn't turn on any lights, just used our nightlite. After about 10 minutes (I was groggy & didn't watch the clock exactly), I checked again, using the nightlite & there was no 2nd line (I'm using Dollar Store tests). So I threw the test away. Of course, now hours later, I decide to look again. Hmm, there is a very slight evap line (I've never seen an evap line, but I'm assuming that's what it is). But now, I don't know if it was there when I looked the first time (because I checked to see if I could see it with the nightlite, and I couldn't ). So I threw it away again. Only to dig it out one more time - and about that, how is it that I'm throwing it with such force that it keeps getting buried deep into the little waste basket? - So now I've done searches on evap lines, and I really think that's what it is, but because of my neurosis, I will now need to go buy more tests & try again. Stupid insanity. I really am not taking this seriously... but now I have to see.

BFN

Well, no real surprise. I have a feeling I will be a full-of-symptoms kind of gal, and I've had none, other than AF not showing when I expected. I'm going to e-mail my doctor for the RE referral, and also check out another fertility clinic & start committing myself to that process. Don't worry -no tears here, just resignation.

PS. Is it odd that I don't tell my dh when I'm testing? He gets so anxious (the one time I did) with lots of nail biting, and it's just easier on me when I tell him later (if at all). He figures it out when AF shows.

14 dpo

Right now I'm wishing I had charted this month. At least then I'd know if there was really a chance or not.  I'm not feeling any symptoms any different than when AF shows. I have one pg test at home (I think, maybe I have more stashed away somewhere), so I think I'll use it tomorrow am & see if anything develops. In the last few months my luteal phase has lasted between 10 days & 15 days, so again, no clues here. Argh, I wasn't putting any hope into this month, and now I'm feeling a glimmer of possibility. I hate getting my hopes up!

I'll briefly update tomorrow am!

Pink is **not** my favorite color...

...but you wouldn't be able to tell that by looking at me. Oy vey, I am very sunburned! Pink & white stripes all over my bod. Ok, don't feel too bad for me, I got his sunburn in Maui, where I've been for the past week.

We're here with my parents, and we were supposed to be here with 6 other family members, but when ATA went out of business they couldn't afford to take a chance that they would get their money back & rebook (for almost twice the price) on United. The reason that we bought new tickets right away on United was because I knew without a doubt we would get our money back. How did I know that? Because we bought travel insurance that covered this exact scenario. However, this wasn't the reason that we bought the insurance. When we were making our reservations (the day that the tickets became available, 11 months ago), I really thought, was sure, that I'd either be pregnant or have a baby by the time this trip came up. So, in case that I'd be in labor or have a few week old baby, or just be too pregnant to fly, we bought trip insurance. So, when I reflect on that every once in a while, I do feel a tinge of sadness and a rueful sense of disappointment that I ever thought I would be pregnant this year. Luckily, the feeling passes quickly enough & I really just focus on how much fun I'm having with my wonderful husband, and my fun parents, and how lucky I am to have both.

I'm not charting anymore, mainly because I've gone out of town so much the past few months that I haven't been able to keep on a consistent waking schedule, so why bother. But, I have been using my CBEFM, and I was excited to get a Peak reading while here in Maui. Yay for tropical BDing!(ick, too much info, plus I hate that term, but do you really want me to spell it out any more??)

So, I better end this now so I can enjoy my last evening here in Paradise. On my local board of the Nest our signature challenge this week was to include a photo in our siggy of "where the magic happens" - Here's my entry for this week:

Steps forward, and backward, maybe

After the adoption orientation last week, dh & I were able to talk a bit about our next steps. What's fantastic is that our conversations were not heavy, emotion-laden discussions, but just normal conversations where we voiced our thoughts and found that we were pretty much on the same page about everything.

So, we've decided that if we were to adopt, and since the time frame can be quick or slow, it would be in our best interest to have quite a lot more money saved. This way our savings actually can go towards me staying at home as long as possible, and going back to work in some capacity later on very part-time. 

But, we still want to pursue me getting pregnant. I just don't think we're past giving up that idea yet. So, I e-mailed my doctor & asked his thoughts on me going on Clomid for another few months. He said, sure, no problem, 3 more months, here you go. After that, he really needs to refer me to a specialist.  So, we're going to try Clomid again. I'm going to go ahead & get the referral for the specialist, since I have a feeling it will take a while to get in. Then, after 3 months on Clomid, or by the advice of the RE, we'll try an IUI (if it's recommended for us). Maybe two.  If that's a failure, then I think that's as far as we'll go on our own, and we'll continue the adoption path. 

I really don't feel that adoption is a lesser option. It's exciting and scary, and takes a lot of mental preparation besides the financial prep. So, we'll go at our own pace, and our own time. And that's what's right for us.

So, I went to go get my Clomid yesterday. I decided to transfer it to Walmart since Kaiser doesn't cover it.  I went to the pharmacy and the pharmacy tech was trying to check me out, but he looked confused about the number of pills I was getting. He called over to the pharmacist who looked at me & yelled out, "I just gave you 10 (50 mgs each). Maybe that's all you'll need, right?" Um, yeah, thanks, hopefully that's all I'll need.  What ever happened to discretion???

In other news, I updated my Nor Cal Etsy directory, a listing of Etsy (& Zazzle & Cafe Press) stores featuring Nor Cal Nesties' fantastic items!  http://norcaletsy.blogspot.com

 

Meet Rye!

With all the craziness that has been ruling my life lately I totally forgot to mention a very important new member of our household: Rye.

After Maraya passed we knew that our home wasn't complete without the maximum number of cats allowed in our apartment (which happens to be 2). With Maraya gone, Minty seemed really subdued, which was surprising since a) she is a bundle of energy usually, and b) she & Maraya were not friends (Maraya didn't like cats). So, we thought getting a kitten would bring some new energy in the house, and also give some companionship to Mints.

Dh had agreed that we could get a kitten after we came back from Mendocino, since we really didn't want to get a new cat & then leave it alone. I was on board, but then I started doing the dumbest thing possible. I started looking at Petfinder.com. It was there that I saw this picture,

and I knew that I had to have him. I was wanting another Siamese mix, because Minty's personality is so likable, and her dominant traits are very Siamese-like (vocal, friendly, independent, boisterous, also she plays fetch & that's also a Siamese trait). So, I started looking at pets in our zip code, and then kept expanding, and expanding, and expanding, until I came across Rye, who was 120 miles away...

I e-mailed his foster mom at 10:00 pm to see if he was still available. Yep, but they were bringing him to Petco in the morning to be displayed with the other foster cats. Well, looking at the site, I could tell that Rye was the absolute cutest cat they had & he would be snatched up immediately. So, I had just a few hours to convince my dh to agree to this "whim" of mine. It took all night, with a lot of pleading & crying, & general emotional manipulation on my part. Which I've apologized for. Profusely. His resistance wasn't to getting a cat, but that we had the remaining chairs to our dining room set to be delivered the next morning, plus the drive was excessive & expensive, plus we were two weeks away from Mendocino.

So, the next morning we drove up to Sacramento & met Rye & he was the sweetest, lightest little thing. When you hold him he just goes limp, and gazes into your eyes. He's so cute!

He definitely had a week of adjusting (lots of whining (we called him Little Whimps), no eye contact with us, was only interested in Minty (who saw his distress & took to completely mothering him, even letting him nurse to help calm him down)) but he's now a fun member of the family. He's really gentle and playful. When I took him to the vet the vet tech told me I "had the best kitten ever!" Aw, words to make a mom proud!

You can see more pics here: Rye & Minty Gallery, but here's a couple of teasers:

Technical update

Eh, I thought I could edit comments before they were posted. Meaning if you put your e-mail address in a comment I could take it out before posting. Nope - I was wrong. So, if you'd like your comment posted, but you'd also like to send me a note with your e-mail address, just send two comments & I'll post the one without the e-mail address. Sorry I'm/Blogger is so lame.  

Adoption orientation last night

I normally don't blog from work, but I really wanted to share my experiences with the domestic adoption orientation we went to yesterday before I forget any of the details.

We arrived way early, much earlier than I thought we would be since we had to go about 50 miles in rush hour traffic. Luckily there were two of us so we could carpool-lane it most of the way.

We sat around a horseshoe-shaped conference table and briefly introduced ourselves. Well, some of us were brief. Others rambled on a bit, but for the most part really great questions were asked. I was so nervous for my dh. He's very shy, and I don't even know if knew what he was doing there. So the whole time while I was listening to others speak I was silently wondering what my dh would say. But then I introduced myself, said a couple of words, and then it was my dh's turn... and the coordinator just moved on to the rest of the orientation. So all my worry was for nothing, but, um , why was he skipped? I think the others had just taken up so much time, and I had mentioned his name in my introduction and waved toward his direction when introducing ourselves, so it must have just seemed like I was doing the talking for both of us. Which I wasn't. Really.

Most of the information was already on their website (which I've read every single page), so it was probably a better orientation for my dh to attend than me, but I got quite a bit out of it. I feel a real connection to this agency, and I'm pretty sure that if this is the route we'll take, then this is the agency for us.

Somethings I liked:
-They have been in business for over 20 years and are part of a larger faith-based service organization (Jewish) which serves a lot of different facets of the community.

-Unless you do some digging, you would not know that they are part of a faith-based organization. This is very important to us because neither of us are religious at all. So many other agencies I saw were so heavy-handed with their religion that I felt intimidated and turned-off. I feared that potential birthparents would only be looking for people with similar religious beliefs, and we would not be the right family. Plus, we're a mixed ethnicity couple, and honestly, I don't feel that we fit in with the other agencies. With this one, I feel like we bring something unique, yet we're not so glaringly "wrong" that we would not find a match.
(I want to make mention that I am in no way make a comment about other people who are religious. The majority, if not 100%, of the adoption blogs I read are written with faith as a main factor in their search & in their lives. I love the support that faith gives to those that have it.)

-The directors are social workers themselves, and have seem to have everyone's best interests in mind. They are supportive of a potential birthmom's decision to parent or to not parent, or even terminate, and will find her services to help her. There doesn't appear to be any coercion, or guilt, and that's really important to me.

-They support open adoption.

-They appear professional, but warm.

There are a ton more reasons that I like them, but those are some of the important ones. Also, their fees seem pretty low. The homestudy fee is a little higher than I've seen (it's in the $2,000.00 range), but their outreach/advertising fee is lower ($3,500.00). When I add up all the fixed costs (homestudy,advertising,placement,finalization) the amount comes to about $12,000.00. What I don't know about is how much counseling or other expenses the birthmom will need, or what legal fees will be, if any.

Again, I want to stress that we haven't decided that we are definitely going to adopt, we still need to talk quite a bit more about it, but it feels great getting all this info. My dh really gets the process now, and I'm so glad, because I have a really hard time explaining things to him (he's analytical & I'm ... um... a bit more scattered).

I'll send anyone the link to the organization if you want. Just send me a comment with your e-mail address (comments are moderated, so I'll remove your e-mail if I publish the comment!)

Ok, back to work!

Topics: Llamas,massage,Fairyland, & adoption

One post every month isn't the sign of a great blogger...but I've been sooo busy lately! Our 3rd anniversary was at the end of June. I happen to **heart** llamas, and other barnyard animals (especially sheep), so my husband very kindly allowed me to make reservations at this funky place called Lodging & Llamas in Mendocino. Our cabin, the "Water Tower":

I was hoping to go on a llama trek, but the weather was weird, and the air quality wasn't great from all the fires, so we didn't do it. Instead I got to hang out in the llama & goat corral, and tried to make friends with the llamas, which unfortunately wanted nothing to do with me. Here's an unflattering photo of me trying to make nice with one of the llamas:

The goats however were very interested:

The next weekend I flew off to Los Angeles to visit my cousin and her two little girls. While there she treated me to a Thai massage at a place that seemed a bit sketchy... I started writing about it just now, but quickly realized it would take a whole lot longer than I have (waiting for my clothes to finish washing) for me to tell the story.. I think you just had to be there!

Then my cousin drove up here, so on the weekend I spent some more time with her & the girls & we went to Fairyland in Oakland. This was the first time I had been back there since I was a little girl. My dad used to take me almost every weekend. It's changed some, but for the most part it's the same place. It was fantastic experiencing it through a child's eyes again, but the girls need to be a little older to really appreciate it (they are 1 & 3).

This past weekend I finally had time to just catch up on stuff around the house. See, no real time for blogging at all the last few weeks.

In fertility news... I haven't done much of anything except use the CBEFM (& got 2 peak days without Clomid - yay). I guess I'm in the 2ww, but I'm not really thinking about it. I don't mean that in a negative way, or even a denial, it's just I really don't expect anything to be different, especially since I'm not taking any drugs.

Tomorrow were going to an adoption orientation. It's just a fact-finding mission for us. No decision has been made, but the more information we have the better. Which brings me to my last photo. This is how the adoption books are categorized at my local B&N:

Sex Education/Adoption/Divorce & Children/Activities

Why not throw a section on llama care while you're at it, too?

My boss is crazy & I'm cracking up

Today I had just one of my many weird conversations with my boss. I turned in something that was filled with mistakes & oddities... way worse than anything else I've ever done, but fixable & actually comical. I just let my boss know I was trying to keep her on her toes. As we had a good laugh about my mistakes she turned & said... I just thought it was because maybe you're pregnant & the hormones are making you make mistakes. I rolled my eyes, tried not to look crushed & said, Nope, not pregnant, just overworked.

So when she left I started talking to my coworker about the bosses comment. She informed me that my boss is crazy obsessed with me being/becoming pregnant & asks my coworker about it all the time.

Every time I have a doctors appointment, my coworker is quizzed.
If I am late to work, my coworker is quizzed.
If I leave early, my coworker is quizzed. And so on...

She asks my coworker if she thinks I'll quit when I become pregnant & if I know I'm not supposed to handle cat litter (because of my pregnancy).

Now she's decided I have fertility issues (yes, I know that I do, but dear Lord, I do not discuss this with people I know, only with strangers on the internets, & she does not know this). So, she wants to know from my coworker if me taking thyroid pills is affecting my fertility (in an ill-thought out moment of candor I told her I was on them, but only because she was telling me she was taking them, too). I am, according to my boss, obsessed with my baby nephew because I long for a little one to hold in my arms. My trip to Santa Barbara must have been a trip to try a new place to try to make babies, you know switch things up a bit... yes, she discussed this again with my coworker. So, as coworker was telling me all this I just started laughing, & by the end we were both almost in tears. I kind of like this game...because she at least has enough sense not to ask me directly (usually), so it's fun to see her try to guess. According to her calculations, I have been pregnant for three years.

There have been a few times where she has brought up babies/pregnancy to me. All have been very comical to me.

-My co-worker & I were talking about which stores her expecting daughter-in-law was registered at & comparing notes since my cousin was due the same week. Boss came in the room int he middle of the conversation & told us to stop talking about babies. Meanly. With strange emotion. Ohhh Kayyy.

-I came into work one day & in the spot where my old computer had been was just a dusty space. I was surprised to see my computer missing & when I said, Wow, it's gone! She said, "Wow - look at all that space... you could put a baby there!" I just laughed & thought, I'm not putting a baby in a dirty corner of my desk...

-There was a newsmagazine recently that had a picture of a pregnant woman's bare belly. My boss picked it up & exclaimed -"That's obscene!" & threw the magazine in the trash.

Boy, I wonder how she'll take it when I really am.