To follow up a little on yesterday's post regarding testing... I went crazy enough to actually tear apart the plastic casing of the HPT in order to examine the line a little closer. It was vague enough that I left the house to go to the Dollar Tree to buy some more tests. Oh how I love having a basket full of their tests, and nothing else, at the checkout. However, God was saving me from my embarrassment, or something, because the giant Dollar Tree that I go to had closed down! So then I went to the other, more ghetto-y Dollar Tree, but they didn't have any tests at all. Since I was at this point convinced that I was a lunatic, I didn't go to Target or any other place to buy the more expensive tests.
In between my Dollar Tree stops, I stopped at the mall to get my mom a present (I was secretly hoping that me telling her that she was going to be a grandma would be her gift this year). Any way, I stupidly went in to Gymboree (clothes store, not tumbling place - I'm not that messed up, yet) & it just hit me that I was not a mom, that it's not going to happen, that I am infertile... all the little clothes, especially the Halloween styles just got to me. I've rarely been this affected. Normally I just note in my mind what I like, and figure I will have lots of chances to buy later. I don't know why this little pumpkin cardigan, shirt & hat just put me over the edge, but they did:
In between my Dollar Tree stops, I stopped at the mall to get my mom a present (I was secretly hoping that me telling her that she was going to be a grandma would be her gift this year). Any way, I stupidly went in to Gymboree (clothes store, not tumbling place - I'm not that messed up, yet) & it just hit me that I was not a mom, that it's not going to happen, that I am infertile... all the little clothes, especially the Halloween styles just got to me. I've rarely been this affected. Normally I just note in my mind what I like, and figure I will have lots of chances to buy later. I don't know why this little pumpkin cardigan, shirt & hat just put me over the edge, but they did:
So today I figured I might as well go & buy a test from Target, but before I got out the door, AF showed & put to rest any of my crazy inclinations. So, yay, I think this is month 30! Ugh.
Last night I e-mailed my dr to get the referral to the RE, and I'll start the other research I need to do for other clinics, plus I also got a pack of info from another adoption agency, so at least I'm getting more details about all my options.
Oh, and I also thought I felt a lump in my breast this morning. I'm pretty sure it's nothing, but nonetheless I'll be e-mailing my doctor to see if I should come in and get a professional opinion.
I'm so happy this is a long weekend. I don't think I could go to work with all this stuff floating in my head.
6 comments:
Oh hun. I am so sorry all of this is hitting you so hard, you sound like you're just having a hard time and need a HUG!
For what it's worth, I thought I found a lump once too, in the armpit/side boob area. Turned out to be a reaction to my deodorant, which was super relieving. And we found a lump in DH's goods, you know, but that turned out to be swelling from an injury. So, good thoughts to you that it's just something totally strange and non-life threatening!
I'm so sorry there's so much going on all at once. I'm very glad, though, that you're checking into the lump. I'm sure it's nothing, but you're smart to check into it.
I feel like I keep saying "I'm glad" but...I'm glad, too, that you're checking into the RE:) Keep us posted and know that I'm sending good thoughts and encouragement!
I just wanted to say hello! I'm catching up on your story. I don't know if you already got one, but I used the Clear Blue disposable ovulation kits and they were great; they are what my fertility doc had me use and and they were easy to use and find.
Just hang in there. Remember that one way or the other, you're can come out of this with a child. And you can dress her up like a pumpkin every day if you want. ;)
Erica
I'm so sorry, Marisa. You're right, chocolate does make everything better. And hopefully a couple of {{HUGS}} help too.
Big hugs to you Marisa!!!!
Thinking about you M!!!
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