Two weekends ago I had a chance to have a pretty good conversation with one of my closest friends, who also happens to be my cousin. She's the closest thing I'll ever have to a sibling. Anyway, she's been one of the only people in real life who I've confided any of my struggles with ttc. She can be sort of difficult to talk with if you're just looking for some one to be nice to you, because she doesn't see her role in life to be a hand-holder. She will say exactly what she's thinking, no matter what. So, we were talking abut what I've been up to, and how I've kept everything completely hidden from my friends, my family, and my work. She seems to think that if I'm open with those around me, I won't be such a tight ball of stress.
I think what it comes down to, is who am I trying to impress? What do I have to hide? Why can't I be open about who I am & what I'm going through? So, right now I'm going to go down one by one, and list my reasons for being silent, and see if any of them are really valid, or just me being a chicken-shit.
#1 - Mom: I have never been open about her with anything. I learned a long time ago that if you let her in, she will attempt to take over, and usually succeeds. I can imagine her trying to talk to my RE on my behalf, or something. She doesn't even know we want children, yet I think she's holding back on retiring until she has a grandchild. She's been pretty non-invasive in this part of my life so far, honestly, so maybe I could let her in... I just don't want her asking me about it all the time. Every once in a while I think about telling her, but then I just think about something hurtful that she could possibly say, and I hold back. VERDICT: Open Up.
#2 - Dad: Ew, dads don't need to know about their daughters' sex life. Case closed. My dad & I have a great relationship, but I just think this is one aspect he wouldn't want to know about. I dread even telling him I'm pg when I am because he'll then know I've been having sex (ha, guess if I get pg with this IUI I could tell him I didn't have sex :) ) I remember when we announced our proposal, my dad looked absolutely panicked, like he was going looking to throw him self off the nearest balcony. He eventually composed himself. I remember he also told me that one of my cousin's wives mentioned she was having t-ttc. He seemed really confused about why she was telling him this. VERDICT: Stay silent.
#3 - Work: This one is a bit tougher, because I've already painted myself in a corner already with all my lies. As I mentioned in this blog post, my boss has had her suspicions about me for a long time. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of being right. However, I've been married for almost 4 years, I obviously love children, I've missed days of work, or come in hours late with barely believable excuses... I think they're on to me. However, from now on, I won't be taking any more days off due to fertility treatment, since this is the last one for a long time, so I really don't see the point in saying anything. VERDICT: Stay silent.
#4 - Friends: Well, I've been open-ish with two of my friends, and that's gone well. Maybe I'll be a bit more open with others. My only hesitation is I don't what people feeling sorry for me. I also don't want to admit I've failed as a woman, because that's what it feel like to me. VERDICT: Open up.
So, I guess what it comes down to is challenging the vulnerability I feel when I open up about anything, because I really do think it might be holding my emotional growth back. I need to be strong, embrace my decisions, and not live in the shadow of my fear of feeling judged. Basically, I need to grow up.