Stupid Gymboree, stupid me

To follow up a little on yesterday's post regarding testing... I went crazy enough to actually tear apart the plastic casing of the HPT in order to examine the line a little closer. It was vague enough that I left the house to go to the Dollar Tree to buy some more tests. Oh how I love having a basket full of their tests, and nothing else, at the checkout. However, God was saving me from my embarrassment, or something, because the giant Dollar Tree that I go to had closed down! So then I went to the other, more ghetto-y Dollar Tree, but they didn't have any tests at all. Since I was at this point convinced that I was a lunatic, I didn't go to Target or any other place to buy the more expensive tests.

In between my Dollar Tree stops, I stopped at the mall to get my mom a present (I was secretly hoping that me telling her that she was going to be a grandma would be her gift this year). Any way, I stupidly went in to Gymboree (clothes store, not tumbling place - I'm not that messed up, yet) & it just hit me that I was not a mom, that it's not going to happen, that I am infertile... all the little clothes, especially the Halloween styles just got to me. I've rarely been this affected. Normally I just note in my mind what I like, and figure I will have lots of chances to buy later. I don't know why this little pumpkin cardigan, shirt & hat just put me over the edge, but they did:

So, I got myself out of there right away & got a lemon truffle from Sees. Chocolate makes everything better.

So today I figured I might as well go & buy a test from Target, but before I got out the door, AF showed & put to rest any of my crazy inclinations. So, yay, I think this is month 30! Ugh.

Last night I e-mailed my dr to get the referral to the RE, and I'll start the other research I need to do for other clinics, plus I also got a pack of info from another adoption agency, so at least I'm getting more details about all my options.

Oh, and I also thought I felt a lump in my breast this morning. I'm pretty sure it's nothing, but nonetheless I'll be e-mailing my doctor to see if I should come in and get a professional opinion.

I'm so happy this is a long weekend. I don't think I could go to work with all this stuff floating in my head.

I'll let you in on a little of my insanity...

When I tested this morning, it was like 4:45 am. I didn't turn on any lights, just used our nightlite. After about 10 minutes (I was groggy & didn't watch the clock exactly), I checked again, using the nightlite & there was no 2nd line (I'm using Dollar Store tests). So I threw the test away. Of course, now hours later, I decide to look again. Hmm, there is a very slight evap line (I've never seen an evap line, but I'm assuming that's what it is). But now, I don't know if it was there when I looked the first time (because I checked to see if I could see it with the nightlite, and I couldn't ). So I threw it away again. Only to dig it out one more time - and about that, how is it that I'm throwing it with such force that it keeps getting buried deep into the little waste basket? - So now I've done searches on evap lines, and I really think that's what it is, but because of my neurosis, I will now need to go buy more tests & try again. Stupid insanity. I really am not taking this seriously... but now I have to see.

BFN

Well, no real surprise. I have a feeling I will be a full-of-symptoms kind of gal, and I've had none, other than AF not showing when I expected. I'm going to e-mail my doctor for the RE referral, and also check out another fertility clinic & start committing myself to that process. Don't worry -no tears here, just resignation.

PS. Is it odd that I don't tell my dh when I'm testing? He gets so anxious (the one time I did) with lots of nail biting, and it's just easier on me when I tell him later (if at all). He figures it out when AF shows.

14 dpo

Right now I'm wishing I had charted this month. At least then I'd know if there was really a chance or not.  I'm not feeling any symptoms any different than when AF shows. I have one pg test at home (I think, maybe I have more stashed away somewhere), so I think I'll use it tomorrow am & see if anything develops. In the last few months my luteal phase has lasted between 10 days & 15 days, so again, no clues here. Argh, I wasn't putting any hope into this month, and now I'm feeling a glimmer of possibility. I hate getting my hopes up!

I'll briefly update tomorrow am!

Pink is **not** my favorite color...

...but you wouldn't be able to tell that by looking at me. Oy vey, I am very sunburned! Pink & white stripes all over my bod. Ok, don't feel too bad for me, I got his sunburn in Maui, where I've been for the past week.

We're here with my parents, and we were supposed to be here with 6 other family members, but when ATA went out of business they couldn't afford to take a chance that they would get their money back & rebook (for almost twice the price) on United. The reason that we bought new tickets right away on United was because I knew without a doubt we would get our money back. How did I know that? Because we bought travel insurance that covered this exact scenario. However, this wasn't the reason that we bought the insurance. When we were making our reservations (the day that the tickets became available, 11 months ago), I really thought, was sure, that I'd either be pregnant or have a baby by the time this trip came up. So, in case that I'd be in labor or have a few week old baby, or just be too pregnant to fly, we bought trip insurance. So, when I reflect on that every once in a while, I do feel a tinge of sadness and a rueful sense of disappointment that I ever thought I would be pregnant this year. Luckily, the feeling passes quickly enough & I really just focus on how much fun I'm having with my wonderful husband, and my fun parents, and how lucky I am to have both.

I'm not charting anymore, mainly because I've gone out of town so much the past few months that I haven't been able to keep on a consistent waking schedule, so why bother. But, I have been using my CBEFM, and I was excited to get a Peak reading while here in Maui. Yay for tropical BDing!(ick, too much info, plus I hate that term, but do you really want me to spell it out any more??)

So, I better end this now so I can enjoy my last evening here in Paradise. On my local board of the Nest our signature challenge this week was to include a photo in our siggy of "where the magic happens" - Here's my entry for this week:

Steps forward, and backward, maybe

After the adoption orientation last week, dh & I were able to talk a bit about our next steps. What's fantastic is that our conversations were not heavy, emotion-laden discussions, but just normal conversations where we voiced our thoughts and found that we were pretty much on the same page about everything.

So, we've decided that if we were to adopt, and since the time frame can be quick or slow, it would be in our best interest to have quite a lot more money saved. This way our savings actually can go towards me staying at home as long as possible, and going back to work in some capacity later on very part-time. 

But, we still want to pursue me getting pregnant. I just don't think we're past giving up that idea yet. So, I e-mailed my doctor & asked his thoughts on me going on Clomid for another few months. He said, sure, no problem, 3 more months, here you go. After that, he really needs to refer me to a specialist.  So, we're going to try Clomid again. I'm going to go ahead & get the referral for the specialist, since I have a feeling it will take a while to get in. Then, after 3 months on Clomid, or by the advice of the RE, we'll try an IUI (if it's recommended for us). Maybe two.  If that's a failure, then I think that's as far as we'll go on our own, and we'll continue the adoption path. 

I really don't feel that adoption is a lesser option. It's exciting and scary, and takes a lot of mental preparation besides the financial prep. So, we'll go at our own pace, and our own time. And that's what's right for us.

So, I went to go get my Clomid yesterday. I decided to transfer it to Walmart since Kaiser doesn't cover it.  I went to the pharmacy and the pharmacy tech was trying to check me out, but he looked confused about the number of pills I was getting. He called over to the pharmacist who looked at me & yelled out, "I just gave you 10 (50 mgs each). Maybe that's all you'll need, right?" Um, yeah, thanks, hopefully that's all I'll need.  What ever happened to discretion???

In other news, I updated my Nor Cal Etsy directory, a listing of Etsy (& Zazzle & Cafe Press) stores featuring Nor Cal Nesties' fantastic items!  http://norcaletsy.blogspot.com